i d a r e you to smile
let him in
get to know him
think of him
study his every move
go on, i d a r e you-- go on
let him in
talk to him
tell him everything
laugh
cry
thank him
ask for answers
cry
cry
cry
smile
smile
smile
i d a r e you
get to know him
be good to him- he'll be good to you
go on, i d a r e you
so pure, so real, so different...
i d a r e you
you are just so..so imperfect, so impatient, so sour....
so unthankful
so bitter
so negative
so---
i d a r e you, tell God what's wrong with you, tell him. i d a r e you, connect.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
move on
for me, it isn't over. no, i won't move on. no, i won't let go. no, i won't forget.
you promised me you wouldn't leave, but you did. i tried so hard to hold you back. i try and i try and i try, but i'm afraid to try again. something deep down inside of me knew this would happen, but i was in denial, i still am. how could you? how could you forget everything and just leave? all these memories that are now scattered on the floor. all these beautiful painful memories don't mean a thing to you anymore, do they?
i am not whole anymore. i am torn up. my other half is no where to be seen. where did you go? why did you do this to me? who do you think you are? why did you do this to us? to all of us? you did this for him? yeah? i know.
a million unanswered questions, or are they answered? denial.
i want to try talking to you, but i can't. i don't want to get hurt. i've been hurt millions of times for you, because of you, by you. i can't go through that again, for you. you: the one who left me begging, kicking & screaming, crying all these salty tears, for who? for him.
shocked, thats what i was. i think i was until i realized just how angry i was- still am, with you. what you did was unfair. i need to recover, i need to recollect myself. i need to et back on my feet, off the cold marble floor i've been on for the past 10 months. i need to wipe away my salty tears, wash my face from this darkness and start living the life i want, the life i need. a life without you. my best friend, gone. and for who?
i'm sure your happy now, after all, it was your idea. you found a boy who you loved more. more than me, more than yourself. how sad.
i'm sure, since it's our decision and your a grown woman, you wont crumble to your knees whispering when you leave your man that you'll stand by me, i won't stand by you.
i was yours. not anymore. i'm a big girl, a big girl without her best friend. but no, no i won't shed another tear for you, though i am now. i'll find someone like you.
i'm letting go of everything
congrats, i heard.
i love you, always did & always will. too bad i won't be a part of it.
never mind my tears. don't forget me beautiful and don't forget my face.
my final goodbye.
goodbye...
you promised me you wouldn't leave, but you did. i tried so hard to hold you back. i try and i try and i try, but i'm afraid to try again. something deep down inside of me knew this would happen, but i was in denial, i still am. how could you? how could you forget everything and just leave? all these memories that are now scattered on the floor. all these beautiful painful memories don't mean a thing to you anymore, do they?
i am not whole anymore. i am torn up. my other half is no where to be seen. where did you go? why did you do this to me? who do you think you are? why did you do this to us? to all of us? you did this for him? yeah? i know.
a million unanswered questions, or are they answered? denial.
i want to try talking to you, but i can't. i don't want to get hurt. i've been hurt millions of times for you, because of you, by you. i can't go through that again, for you. you: the one who left me begging, kicking & screaming, crying all these salty tears, for who? for him.
shocked, thats what i was. i think i was until i realized just how angry i was- still am, with you. what you did was unfair. i need to recover, i need to recollect myself. i need to et back on my feet, off the cold marble floor i've been on for the past 10 months. i need to wipe away my salty tears, wash my face from this darkness and start living the life i want, the life i need. a life without you. my best friend, gone. and for who?
i'm sure your happy now, after all, it was your idea. you found a boy who you loved more. more than me, more than yourself. how sad.
i'm sure, since it's our decision and your a grown woman, you wont crumble to your knees whispering when you leave your man that you'll stand by me, i won't stand by you.
i was yours. not anymore. i'm a big girl, a big girl without her best friend. but no, no i won't shed another tear for you, though i am now. i'll find someone like you.
i'm letting go of everything
congrats, i heard.
i love you, always did & always will. too bad i won't be a part of it.
never mind my tears. don't forget me beautiful and don't forget my face.
my final goodbye.
goodbye...
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
....
It's been so long since I last blogged, I kind of miss it.
So, I'm still positive and I've realised that good things have been happening (il7imdillah) because of that. I've been attracting positive energy.
Since this year is almost over, I've been reflecting a lot and I've realised a couple of things.
First of all, it was the WORST year ever, but I've learnt A LOT. For example, don't trust everyone. I should've learnt this long ago but I think I had to go through many incidents to really understand that. I also learnt that I should never let my personal life reflect the way I treat others.
Second of all, I have gained my passion for art once again. I had a really bad year with art that made me loose interest in what I love. After visiting a few galleries and sitting in cafes on rivers and long hours of mental healing, I've realised that insted of complaining about what I'm going through, I should write and paint it.
Lastly, family comes first- no matter what. We might fight, we might get worked up but we will always have each other's backs for better or for worse.
***
So, I'm still positive and I've realised that good things have been happening (il7imdillah) because of that. I've been attracting positive energy.
Since this year is almost over, I've been reflecting a lot and I've realised a couple of things.
First of all, it was the WORST year ever, but I've learnt A LOT. For example, don't trust everyone. I should've learnt this long ago but I think I had to go through many incidents to really understand that. I also learnt that I should never let my personal life reflect the way I treat others.
Second of all, I have gained my passion for art once again. I had a really bad year with art that made me loose interest in what I love. After visiting a few galleries and sitting in cafes on rivers and long hours of mental healing, I've realised that insted of complaining about what I'm going through, I should write and paint it.
Lastly, family comes first- no matter what. We might fight, we might get worked up but we will always have each other's backs for better or for worse.
***
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Isn't it funny?
I find it funny that I lose so many people in my life, but gain a few new ones… sure its not the same amount of people, but it’s the quality. As I was growing up (yes, I still am) and while I shop with my mom, all I hear is “quality over quantity”, “be selective”. Then as I went to my mother and kept whining about how I lose so many people, she reminded me of what she constantly said about clothes and told me to use that throughout my relationships with people.
I not happy that some precious jewels have left my life, because I constantly think and reminisce those lovely times I had with EACH and every one of them, but I have to learn to let go. Hold their hands loosely and test them, will they grab my hand hard? Or will they let go? It’s a shame that most choose to let go. There are more than few variables, but what I’m talking about is what they expect from me. They want me to do it all, care, give, support… etc. if I’ve learned one thing so far in these 17 years is that I shouldn’t put effort in caring about people that won’t put some effort in our relationship as well.
Anyway, my point? Well, I miss the people that have left my life, but I’m still thankful that I have let some new doors open and welcomed newcomers, but I do look forward for everyone else leading their ways back into my heart!
I love everyone I’ve ever been friends with; I’ve ever met or even thought of randomly because you wouldn’t be in my life unless I cared for you and thought that there was a part of my heart or life you could fill…
Thank you, I’m very grateful.
&yes, I’m going all positive! A7san shay!
I not happy that some precious jewels have left my life, because I constantly think and reminisce those lovely times I had with EACH and every one of them, but I have to learn to let go. Hold their hands loosely and test them, will they grab my hand hard? Or will they let go? It’s a shame that most choose to let go. There are more than few variables, but what I’m talking about is what they expect from me. They want me to do it all, care, give, support… etc. if I’ve learned one thing so far in these 17 years is that I shouldn’t put effort in caring about people that won’t put some effort in our relationship as well.
Anyway, my point? Well, I miss the people that have left my life, but I’m still thankful that I have let some new doors open and welcomed newcomers, but I do look forward for everyone else leading their ways back into my heart!
I love everyone I’ve ever been friends with; I’ve ever met or even thought of randomly because you wouldn’t be in my life unless I cared for you and thought that there was a part of my heart or life you could fill…
Thank you, I’m very grateful.
&yes, I’m going all positive! A7san shay!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Back?
It’s been so long since I’ve written anything. The reason is that I have nothing to say. Kuwait is filled with weirdoes and creeps, but I missed it. I was in Lebanon for 10 days, never going there again in the summer! YEKH! Anyway, I got back and felt like I’ve been out of the country for a few months; I love it here despite the heat and the creeps.
Okay so back to the “creeps”… looks like there are more around here. Let me entertain you with a funny story that happened to me while I was in Lebanon…
It’s a tradition in my family that every time we go to Lebanon, we pass by this famous hotel there near our favorite shopping area, for a cup of coffee or in this case a VERY cold drink to recover from the heat outside! Anyway, so we walk in, my aunt, mother and myself, each as colorful as the rainbow. We choose a comfortable area in the lobby and order our drinks… I notice that the man sitting behind me is a Kuwaiti but my mother and aunt argues that he was a Lebanese (PROVED THEM WRONG!). So, my mother goes to the ladies room to freshen up when my aunt gets a message. My aunt is an old woman, in her late 60’s, so if her Bluetooth is on, she won’t know it, and it was. She’s also a very loud person that doesn’t care whos around her, so she’ll scream and won’t care who’s staring… (I love that about her).
This is how the conversation goes…
Khalty L: weeh gi6ee3a men dazli blo-toth! Igooly “Hiii”
Me: *laughs* Bluetooth? Shakhbary khalty! *realizes that it’s the man sitting behind me, that can only see the back of my head but can clearly see my aunt*
Khalty L: shinooo hathaaaa!! Mino hal qaleel iladab ili dazly blo-toth? Slaaima tsekkaaaaa!!! Weh gi6ee3a!
Me: khalty ashoof? *laughs quietly trying to act as if I didn’t know it was him* weeh khalty yemkin bel ghala6…
MY MOTHER COMES BACK UP AND I THANK GOD! I WRITE A MSG TO MY MOTHER TELLING HER ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AND SHE LAUGHS
My aunt starts telling my mom what happened screaming… me and her go to the ladies room to freshen up, so the man starts talking to my mom… THE NERVE!
This is how it goes…
Flan Al Flani: haa 7ar barra?
Mom: haa? Ee walah..
Flan Al Flani: ee bas ahwan min ilkwait, intay kwaityeen 9a7?
Mom: ee, 7athritik?
Flan Al Flani: ee, 9arly youmain wa9el Lebnan
Mom: eee.. 7ilwa lebnan bas r6ooba..
Flan Al Flani: *for some reason he starts talking about the politics in Kuwait*
I COME BACK AND SIT DOWN SLIGHTLY TURNING MY SEAT SO THAT I COULD SEE HIM WHILE HE TALKED…
Flan Al Flani: halla ikhty shlounich? Shakhbarich? 3asach ib khair? Il7imdilah 3ala ilsalama
Me: *trying not to burst out in laughter can only attempt to say a few words* allah esalmek *smiles*
Flan Al Flani: eee… bla bla bla… oo hathy bla bla bla… ba3dain bla oo bla bla bla 7ikooma bla nas bla……… etc..
Mom: *nods* and changes the subject asking his name* shesmek?
Flan Al Flani: N Al Flani
Mom: ee wene3m…
MY AUNT COMES UP AND MY MOM TELLS HER HIS NAME AND THEY START TO TALK… HE INSITIS TO PAY THE CHECK BUT MY MOTHER REFUSES, SO AFTER A WHILE HE LEAVES.
My mom couldn’t stop laughing at him! Her theory: He thought it was you who had your Bluetooth open because your phone was in your hand the whole time.
My mom and aunt still tease me and say “hii” every time they see me…
Creeps!
Anyway, senior year is coming up. I’m still recovering from junior year! I know shda3wa! Seriously, it been a bad year, nothing has been going right but what am I going to do about it? I’ve tried to fix it but it won’t get fixed, hoping 2011 will be better.
What else? What else….
I haven’t been sleeping as much I did before, which is good… but I just wish I could keep this up when school starts, it seems like school makes me depressed so I sleep…
Rmithan is coming up in twenty something days, I don’t know how I feel about that though…
Pilates, I feel bad; I should be going to my classes, but I’m not, I will on Sunday though! Im going to force myself:D
I miss all my friends!
Me and R reunited! I’m so happy to see her “bretty” face!
I’ve been joking and laughin a lot the past few days, is it a cover up for how I feel deep down inside? Or am I just doing it because I really feel like it? Mmmm… only I’ll know.
Okay, bas bye!:D
Okay so back to the “creeps”… looks like there are more around here. Let me entertain you with a funny story that happened to me while I was in Lebanon…
It’s a tradition in my family that every time we go to Lebanon, we pass by this famous hotel there near our favorite shopping area, for a cup of coffee or in this case a VERY cold drink to recover from the heat outside! Anyway, so we walk in, my aunt, mother and myself, each as colorful as the rainbow. We choose a comfortable area in the lobby and order our drinks… I notice that the man sitting behind me is a Kuwaiti but my mother and aunt argues that he was a Lebanese (PROVED THEM WRONG!). So, my mother goes to the ladies room to freshen up when my aunt gets a message. My aunt is an old woman, in her late 60’s, so if her Bluetooth is on, she won’t know it, and it was. She’s also a very loud person that doesn’t care whos around her, so she’ll scream and won’t care who’s staring… (I love that about her).
This is how the conversation goes…
Khalty L: weeh gi6ee3a men dazli blo-toth! Igooly “Hiii”
Me: *laughs* Bluetooth? Shakhbary khalty! *realizes that it’s the man sitting behind me, that can only see the back of my head but can clearly see my aunt*
Khalty L: shinooo hathaaaa!! Mino hal qaleel iladab ili dazly blo-toth? Slaaima tsekkaaaaa!!! Weh gi6ee3a!
Me: khalty ashoof? *laughs quietly trying to act as if I didn’t know it was him* weeh khalty yemkin bel ghala6…
MY MOTHER COMES BACK UP AND I THANK GOD! I WRITE A MSG TO MY MOTHER TELLING HER ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AND SHE LAUGHS
My aunt starts telling my mom what happened screaming… me and her go to the ladies room to freshen up, so the man starts talking to my mom… THE NERVE!
This is how it goes…
Flan Al Flani: haa 7ar barra?
Mom: haa? Ee walah..
Flan Al Flani: ee bas ahwan min ilkwait, intay kwaityeen 9a7?
Mom: ee, 7athritik?
Flan Al Flani: ee, 9arly youmain wa9el Lebnan
Mom: eee.. 7ilwa lebnan bas r6ooba..
Flan Al Flani: *for some reason he starts talking about the politics in Kuwait*
I COME BACK AND SIT DOWN SLIGHTLY TURNING MY SEAT SO THAT I COULD SEE HIM WHILE HE TALKED…
Flan Al Flani: halla ikhty shlounich? Shakhbarich? 3asach ib khair? Il7imdilah 3ala ilsalama
Me: *trying not to burst out in laughter can only attempt to say a few words* allah esalmek *smiles*
Flan Al Flani: eee… bla bla bla… oo hathy bla bla bla… ba3dain bla oo bla bla bla 7ikooma bla nas bla……… etc..
Mom: *nods* and changes the subject asking his name* shesmek?
Flan Al Flani: N Al Flani
Mom: ee wene3m…
MY AUNT COMES UP AND MY MOM TELLS HER HIS NAME AND THEY START TO TALK… HE INSITIS TO PAY THE CHECK BUT MY MOTHER REFUSES, SO AFTER A WHILE HE LEAVES.
My mom couldn’t stop laughing at him! Her theory: He thought it was you who had your Bluetooth open because your phone was in your hand the whole time.
My mom and aunt still tease me and say “hii” every time they see me…
Creeps!
Anyway, senior year is coming up. I’m still recovering from junior year! I know shda3wa! Seriously, it been a bad year, nothing has been going right but what am I going to do about it? I’ve tried to fix it but it won’t get fixed, hoping 2011 will be better.
What else? What else….
I haven’t been sleeping as much I did before, which is good… but I just wish I could keep this up when school starts, it seems like school makes me depressed so I sleep…
Rmithan is coming up in twenty something days, I don’t know how I feel about that though…
Pilates, I feel bad; I should be going to my classes, but I’m not, I will on Sunday though! Im going to force myself:D
I miss all my friends!
Me and R reunited! I’m so happy to see her “bretty” face!
I’ve been joking and laughin a lot the past few days, is it a cover up for how I feel deep down inside? Or am I just doing it because I really feel like it? Mmmm… only I’ll know.
Okay, bas bye!:D
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
“There will be a speed dating event, and I am worried my soon to be fiancée will be attending. I'm not the jealous type that normally does this, but since I'm about to take a big step of giving her a ring, I need to make sure. Your job will simply be to stand in front of this restaurant and look for her arrival. That's it. IF you can get inside and get a snapshot of her in the act of "speed dating" I would pay an extra $50.
Offering $85 for this because it should not take you more than 1 hour. The location and time will be disclosed to you.”
SERIOUSLY!!!! What the hell is wrong with him? You wouldn’t marry her unless you trusted her, and obviously YOU DON’T. Men can’t live with them… can’t live without them.
***NOTE: NOT ALL MEN ARE TOTALLY APPALING IN MY EYES!! It’s just that some astonish me… its normal, don’t judge me!
Why Is Our Culture So Weird?
Dear whoever is out there?
As a kid growing up, I thought my life would be perfect. No problems, having everything taken care for me by my family, constantly pampered and cared for, and lastly and most importantly, finding that moving on from a problem is… well, easy.
Seventeen. The perfect age in my opinion. Well not perfect, just pleasant. I mean, I don’t have the responsibilities my elder brothers and sisters have nor am I ignored because I’m still “too young”. Why is it that just by sharing a few of my ideas, people drift apart? Why is it that just because I like to think in my own way that doesn’t meet the expectations of others I should be treated harshly? Why? Why? WHY? My why and what’s could go on forever, but I’m sure I won’t get any answers.
Reading the book, Girls of Riyadh has opened many doors from me (ALMOST DONE!) I’ve come to see gender roles in a culture very similar to mine. I’ve come to understand that not all relationships between men and woman is in the end good for each side; although, I would argue that there are a few exceptions. In our society, when two people bond or “click”, people misinterpret that into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, when in fact it is just an innocent interaction between two people. Those two may or may not be interested in each other and that doesn’t really matter. What matters is that they learn to interact innocently and appropriately in front of everyone without any secrets from the “people”. Another thing, really, who’s watching? People are too engaged with their own lives to even care about what you’re doing- unless you give them something to talk about. If two people engage in an innocent conversation, people (if anyone is watching) have nothing to say to that because it’s the 21st century. I mean, why is it so wrong for two people to talk? Can’t a man and a woman JUST be friends? Does everything have to be so complicated? I honestly don’t know. This is part of what the book disagrees about. It talks about how two people may only want to be friends but it suddenly turns into more or less depending on what people say. In one of the chapters, AlSanea talks about how people should just be! They shouldn’t care about what others say unless they know that they’re doing something wrong.
Going to a school where I have no choice but to interact with the boys around me, I have come to set boundaries with many, maybe even most of them. I really only feel comfortable with some, and I like it that way. Does that mean I go all crazy and talk to them every second of every day? No. Does that mean I get interested in them and want more? No. All I do is interacting with the people I feel I can learn from. I might not be aware of what it is I am learning, but I do believe that interaction- appropriate interaction with the opposite gender is crucial for a person who likes to stay open-minded to a certain extent. I’m not saying that it’s always a good thing, because it’s not; but if I set boundaries with guys, I will surely be happy with the results. No man will ever think of me in the wrong way, nor will be even try to. In the book though, it is slightly different, they go to an all girl’s school, but sneak around behind their family’s backs to meet men and to have inappropriate relationships, which is wrong.
Seriously, I have nothing more to say… BUT, a great book!!!
As a kid growing up, I thought my life would be perfect. No problems, having everything taken care for me by my family, constantly pampered and cared for, and lastly and most importantly, finding that moving on from a problem is… well, easy.
Seventeen. The perfect age in my opinion. Well not perfect, just pleasant. I mean, I don’t have the responsibilities my elder brothers and sisters have nor am I ignored because I’m still “too young”. Why is it that just by sharing a few of my ideas, people drift apart? Why is it that just because I like to think in my own way that doesn’t meet the expectations of others I should be treated harshly? Why? Why? WHY? My why and what’s could go on forever, but I’m sure I won’t get any answers.
Reading the book, Girls of Riyadh has opened many doors from me (ALMOST DONE!) I’ve come to see gender roles in a culture very similar to mine. I’ve come to understand that not all relationships between men and woman is in the end good for each side; although, I would argue that there are a few exceptions. In our society, when two people bond or “click”, people misinterpret that into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, when in fact it is just an innocent interaction between two people. Those two may or may not be interested in each other and that doesn’t really matter. What matters is that they learn to interact innocently and appropriately in front of everyone without any secrets from the “people”. Another thing, really, who’s watching? People are too engaged with their own lives to even care about what you’re doing- unless you give them something to talk about. If two people engage in an innocent conversation, people (if anyone is watching) have nothing to say to that because it’s the 21st century. I mean, why is it so wrong for two people to talk? Can’t a man and a woman JUST be friends? Does everything have to be so complicated? I honestly don’t know. This is part of what the book disagrees about. It talks about how two people may only want to be friends but it suddenly turns into more or less depending on what people say. In one of the chapters, AlSanea talks about how people should just be! They shouldn’t care about what others say unless they know that they’re doing something wrong.
Going to a school where I have no choice but to interact with the boys around me, I have come to set boundaries with many, maybe even most of them. I really only feel comfortable with some, and I like it that way. Does that mean I go all crazy and talk to them every second of every day? No. Does that mean I get interested in them and want more? No. All I do is interacting with the people I feel I can learn from. I might not be aware of what it is I am learning, but I do believe that interaction- appropriate interaction with the opposite gender is crucial for a person who likes to stay open-minded to a certain extent. I’m not saying that it’s always a good thing, because it’s not; but if I set boundaries with guys, I will surely be happy with the results. No man will ever think of me in the wrong way, nor will be even try to. In the book though, it is slightly different, they go to an all girl’s school, but sneak around behind their family’s backs to meet men and to have inappropriate relationships, which is wrong.
Seriously, I have nothing more to say… BUT, a great book!!!
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