The Life of a Typical Lovelorn Woman

I’ve been contemplating on what my second post should be about. Ideas have been running in and out of my head but I was either too lazy to write, or just forgot what my idea was. Sometimes, my ideas were too knotty and mind-numbing, so I decided to wait, wait for the perfect idea, an idea so simple it would blow me away, an idea so vague I would misplace myself while writing about it. So as I sit here, in the dark, in my room in front of my bright laptop screen, I decide to write about the most common topic; love. I don’t mean to be boring, or to find the “easy way out”, I just mean to be daring in a society like ours and to really open up to everyone about what I think love is, if it exists. As a child, I experienced love from everyone around me. My family gave me so much love, I would think that others found it sickening and horrible; but I didn’t. Since I am the youngest of five children, I didn’t see it all. For some strange reason my family felt the need to “protect” me from everything around me that they did not approve of- even though they might be the most open-minded people you will ever meet. Enough about me…

Recently, actually today, I’ve started reading Girls of Riyadh an intriguing book by Rajjaa AlSanea. Rajjaa is Saudi Arabian; she grew up in Riyadh and is currently living in Chicago where she is a graduate dental student. This twenty-five year old author has had her book banned all over the Middle-East when it was released in Arabic in 2005. It was seen as controversial and inflammatory in Saudi Arabia, so it was immediately banned. After realizing that Girls of Riyadh wasn’t that big of a deal, the book started to be released gradually across the Middle-East for women to enjoy.

I reached chapter ten today, when I started to re-consider my definition of love. Actually, I started to re-consider its existence. This thought-provoking novel has altered my every thought of this feeling, this cold, cold, cold feeling.

Rashid, one of the minor characters in this book is married to Gamrah, one of the main characters. The book starts off with Gamrah’s wedding, which is not so different than a Kuwaiti woman’s wedding. We learn that Gamrah is very nervous upon her entrance to the ballroom where her wedding was taking place, as there were some technical difficulties regarding the music; but once Mohammed Abdu’s voice filled the room with his brilliant voice, Gamrah approached the “kousha” or as they call it the “dais”. She was a nervous reck, as she has only seen her husband once before the wedding at a small family event called the “shouffa” where they see each other with the company of family members just to approve of the marriage. Most men at this time ask the bride’s father to speak with the bride on the phone just to get to know her better before they seal the deal. Rashid did not ask for that. This astonished Gamrah.

*** My thoughts: At that time, shouldn’t Gamrah have had to think that there was something wrong? For God’s sake! She was going to go to Italy for her honeymoon with a complete stranger, then move to Chicago for this stranger’s PhD. How was she going to do that? I wouldn’t. Marry a man a barely knew, saw or even talked to is the worst thing I would ever do, especially in this day and age. Shouldn’t Gamrah have approached her father or even her mother to talk about this? She could go up to any of them and explain to them why she’s not comfortable with marrying him and that she wants to get to know the Rashid she was going to soon be known as, his wife. Marriage isn’t easy and it surely wouldn’t be easier if she didn’t know the man. Anyway, back to the book…

Gamrah was expecting a fairytale life after she exited the ballroom with her arm wrapped around Rashid’s. As they got up to the hotel room, and as she freshened up, he dozed off to sleep without even saying goodnight.

***My thoughts: HOW RUDE! THE NERVE! SHES YOU’RE WIFE! TALK TO HER! Women take ages to prepare to look THAT good and all you do is take an hour or two to shave, shower put on your dishdasha, ghitra and 3igal, bisht and get your derrière in a car and into the ballroom. Us women have months of preparations to worry about, all Rashid can do is sleep? JABIL MURTIK! SOULIF MA3AHA… I can hear my beloved R, my best friend telling me to “chillax” so I will. Continuing with the story…

Days pass by and Rashid doesn’t give Gamrah any consideration. He is obviously not interested in her. Why? The reader is not sure. They travel all throughout Italy, on their “honeymoon” ***YEAH RIGHT, honey-moon. *** Without saying a pleasant word to each other. Gamrah was not going to allow herself to be the first to make a move; then again she was attached to her Saudi culture and wouldn’t forget her mother’s words on her wedding night to refuse. Aaaaaaaanyway, Gamrah and Rashid move to the States where Gamrah feels unhappy. Well, I wouldn’t blame her; she’s all alone with a stranger that she thinks she’s in love with merely because he’s her husband and feels that it’s her duty as a wife to love her husband, and to top that off, Gamrah has poor English, and I’m sure we all know how it feels to live in a country- even it was for a short period of time- where no one understands you; that alone is enough frustration for Gamrah. Nevertheless, living all alone from the hours of 7 am to sometimes 8, 9 or even 10 pm, forced to take care of their apartment overlooking their neighborhood that she felt uncomfortable in. She starts to reconsider her marriage and if it would work out. She approaches him once and tells him that they should go out to the movies like a normal couple… Rashid has always criticized Gamrah’s clothes telling her to be more stylish and telling her how much he wanted her to wear clothes like the girls he would see on the streets around him and with him at his university. She never really understood him, but this time she tried. As they entered the cinema, she took off her coat and Hijab, and yet, Rashid was not pleased and told her to put back on her coat and Hijab because she couldn’t pull it off.

***My thoughts: WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS MAN?! Is he mentally retarded? Crazy? UGH! He gets on my nerves! You ask her to dress in a certain way, and when she does you tell her to go back to what she knows best?

I think men these days need to settle for what they love… I mean think they love, in the first place. Most men, not all, want this photo shopped woman they see in magazines with barely anything on, revealing their “beauty”, little do they know that she doesn’t really exist. This is how I see it, if I was a man, and Thank God I’m not; she’s got the looks, but what about the personality? Is she going to treat my family with respect? Is she going to love and respect me? Will she listen to me when I need to be listened to? Will she take care of me? Does she want what I want? Am I going to be in a constant quarrel with her about the stupidest things? Will she raise my children right? The questions are never ending. If I take a woman that is okay looking, maybe beautiful enough for me, cute, whatever she may be, will she have the values I’m looking for? It all depends on her family, the way they raised her. Marriage is difficult, indeed, but am I going to look for everything in a woman, and forget that the main thing I want in my marriage, happiness? Happiness is everything, well at least in my opinion. It’s hard to find but when it is found, everything falls into place like the last pieces of a puzzle.

Is Rashid not Gamrah’s match? He was rough and quite rude to her sometimes, but she loved him. Why? Why? WHY?! Why is Gamrah so weak? Is that even weakness? I’m not sure. Maybe she’s giving him a chance he clearly doesn’t deserve. Wedding-jitters? Hello! Their married and have been married for a couple of months, shouldn’t they have reluctantly gotten used to each other by now? ***

In the few chapters dedicated to Rashid and Gamrah so far, we learn that Gamrah is a Gemini and Rashid is a Leo and that Leo men are stubborn and elusive. Is his stubbornness and elusiveness that are the cause for Gamrah’s pain?

*** My thoughts: I think so. Naturally, when one person does not communicate with the other, something has gone wrong. Gamrah is trying to communicate with the monster she’s married, but all doors are shut from Rashid’s side. ***

We learn some more of the Leo man and we know that the Gemini woman and the Leo man’s compatibility is only 15%! Too late, she’s already married to him. Gamrah knows that horoscopes and superstitions like that are just stuff people use to enlighten themselves, but Gamrah believes some of it, as it is true in her case!

*** My thoughts: I think I’d also believe such “fictional” beliefs if I were in her shoes, that would be my last resort. Ni9eeb, as most people say here in Kuwait, bas witha ni9eebi 6ayi7 7atha? I’d like to marry a man with a compatibility degree of at least 70 or 80%, not 15%! Now I’m not a Gemini and God knows how I’m going to marry… bas inshalah! Inshalaaaah! Something- someone good is waiting for me in the future, Allah Kareem.

This book is making me re-think this ancient idea of love. What if love was a made up feeling by a guy sitting under a tree and passed it on by just talking about it and made people believe it? What if it’s not really something we feel rather we believe in because everyone else around us does? I’m not talking about the love you have for your family, friends or the objects you possess, but your soul mate? Soul mate, does that even exist? What if I get married to a man I’m just comfortable around? Does that mean I have to love him JUST because he’s my husband?

I was brought up right- I know how to take care of a house, organize my time well, and throw these elegant “istiqbal” like parties and gatherings… but is that all that’s needed to be a good wife? Of course not. A good wife is to be patient, energetic, someone a man looks forward to seeing everyday of the rest of his life… etc… but what if the man is like Rashid, picky, picky, PICKY!

I was talking to my dearest friend R after completing the 9th chapter of this book about Gamrah and Rashid’s situation. Apparently she told me “not to think about it too much” and that “love conquers all”.

-7abeebty R:*,

I’m sorry but I’m going to have to disagree with you on this point. See, we live in the 21st century. We watch these chick flicks that show us how two people fall in love, break up, realize their love for each other and come running back. That’s why it’s called a movie. Another example, Romeo and Juliet- oh how I look down on that story. So unrealistic, two people falling in love like that- it is the oldest story depicting love and children are taught about this tragedy at such a young age. I remember reading that play in the 9th grade, but now after realizing what fake and unrealistic story it presents, I am aware that “love” is not meant for everyone, and that my friend, is why I believe that it does not conquer all.

You say that you “think two people so in love, not a lot can come in their way. Sure they’ll have their problems but if they really are in love, they can overcome anything!”

I think that “love conquers all” is just a phrase were forced to believe, forced to think is true. In my opinion it’s a sham. So many factors alter this phrase, modern technology (the way people meet each other, movies, the internet, books etc…), egos and family. The way people see love is based on what they see in movies, a script written by some person out there on what he thinks love should be, but sadly isn’t. So, when we wish for that movie-love life and hope for it one day and get something totally different, were just going to end up dissatisfied with what we have and unhappy expecting more from our spouse.

I think that most men, again, not all, have commitment issues. I mean, why else would he be so cold around the woman he picked to become his wife? Did it suddenly hit the poor baby that he has responsibilities and that drinking, smoking and playing cards secretly in his duwaniyyah with his friends isn’t the “real life”? Sorry, but your life, isn’t all about soccer, playing games and what guys like to call these days “gaz”.

--Last words, what I think to myself and I really don’t care if people agree,

3aib 3alaikom, women these days try hard to be the “perfect wife”, win7awel gad ma nigdar in7afith 3ala our reputation 3ashan one day inbayeth wyooh reyayeelna when some men go around playing, some men go around thinking their too superior and others marry a woman they don’t deserve. I can’t change a thing, I know; but my blog is about letting out MY thoughts, MY feelings and ideas, and I’m sorry for being offensive in any way to some of you, but this is really annoying me, how men act and how woman are just supposed to accept it, I’d love to see us switch roles for once…

Allah Kareem,

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Email me or write a comment… & if you know me and have me on bbm, bbm me!

xoxo