....

It's been so long since I last blogged, I kind of miss it.

So, I'm still positive and I've realised that good things have been happening (il7imdillah) because of that. I've been attracting positive energy.

Since this year is almost over, I've been reflecting a lot and I've realised a couple of things.

First of all, it was the WORST year ever, but I've learnt A LOT. For example, don't trust everyone. I should've learnt this long ago but I think I had to go through many incidents to really understand that. I also learnt that I should never let my personal life reflect the way I treat others.

Second of all, I have gained my passion for art once again. I had a really bad year with art that made me loose interest in what I love. After visiting a few galleries and sitting in cafes on rivers and long hours of mental healing, I've realised that insted of complaining about what I'm going through, I should write and paint it.

Lastly, family comes first- no matter what. We might fight, we might get worked up but we will always have each other's backs for better or for worse.

***

Isn't it funny?

I find it funny that I lose so many people in my life, but gain a few new ones… sure its not the same amount of people, but it’s the quality. As I was growing up (yes, I still am) and while I shop with my mom, all I hear is “quality over quantity”, “be selective”. Then as I went to my mother and kept whining about how I lose so many people, she reminded me of what she constantly said about clothes and told me to use that throughout my relationships with people.


I not happy that some precious jewels have left my life, because I constantly think and reminisce those lovely times I had with EACH and every one of them, but I have to learn to let go. Hold their hands loosely and test them, will they grab my hand hard? Or will they let go? It’s a shame that most choose to let go. There are more than few variables, but what I’m talking about is what they expect from me. They want me to do it all, care, give, support… etc. if I’ve learned one thing so far in these 17 years is that I shouldn’t put effort in caring about people that won’t put some effort in our relationship as well.


Anyway, my point? Well, I miss the people that have left my life, but I’m still thankful that I have let some new doors open and welcomed newcomers, but I do look forward for everyone else leading their ways back into my heart!


I love everyone I’ve ever been friends with; I’ve ever met or even thought of randomly because you wouldn’t be in my life unless I cared for you and thought that there was a part of my heart or life you could fill…
Thank you, I’m very grateful.


&yes, I’m going all positive! A7san shay!

Back?

It’s been so long since I’ve written anything. The reason is that I have nothing to say. Kuwait is filled with weirdoes and creeps, but I missed it. I was in Lebanon for 10 days, never going there again in the summer! YEKH! Anyway, I got back and felt like I’ve been out of the country for a few months; I love it here despite the heat and the creeps.
Okay so back to the “creeps”… looks like there are more around here. Let me entertain you with a funny story that happened to me while I was in Lebanon…
It’s a tradition in my family that every time we go to Lebanon, we pass by this famous hotel there near our favorite shopping area, for a cup of coffee or in this case a VERY cold drink to recover from the heat outside! Anyway, so we walk in, my aunt, mother and myself, each as colorful as the rainbow. We choose a comfortable area in the lobby and order our drinks… I notice that the man sitting behind me is a Kuwaiti but my mother and aunt argues that he was a Lebanese (PROVED THEM WRONG!). So, my mother goes to the ladies room to freshen up when my aunt gets a message. My aunt is an old woman, in her late 60’s, so if her Bluetooth is on, she won’t know it, and it was. She’s also a very loud person that doesn’t care whos around her, so she’ll scream and won’t care who’s staring… (I love that about her).
This is how the conversation goes…
Khalty L: weeh gi6ee3a men dazli blo-toth! Igooly “Hiii”
Me: *laughs* Bluetooth? Shakhbary khalty! *realizes that it’s the man sitting behind me, that can only see the back of my head but can clearly see my aunt*
Khalty L: shinooo hathaaaa!! Mino hal qaleel iladab ili dazly blo-toth? Slaaima tsekkaaaaa!!! Weh gi6ee3a!
Me: khalty ashoof? *laughs quietly trying to act as if I didn’t know it was him* weeh khalty yemkin bel ghala6…
MY MOTHER COMES BACK UP AND I THANK GOD! I WRITE A MSG TO MY MOTHER TELLING HER ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AND SHE LAUGHS
My aunt starts telling my mom what happened screaming… me and her go to the ladies room to freshen up, so the man starts talking to my mom… THE NERVE!
This is how it goes…
Flan Al Flani: haa 7ar barra?
Mom: haa? Ee walah..
Flan Al Flani: ee bas ahwan min ilkwait, intay kwaityeen 9a7?
Mom: ee, 7athritik?
Flan Al Flani: ee, 9arly youmain wa9el Lebnan
Mom: eee.. 7ilwa lebnan bas r6ooba..
Flan Al Flani: *for some reason he starts talking about the politics in Kuwait*
I COME BACK AND SIT DOWN SLIGHTLY TURNING MY SEAT SO THAT I COULD SEE HIM WHILE HE TALKED…
Flan Al Flani: halla ikhty shlounich? Shakhbarich? 3asach ib khair? Il7imdilah 3ala ilsalama
Me: *trying not to burst out in laughter can only attempt to say a few words* allah esalmek *smiles*
Flan Al Flani: eee… bla bla bla… oo hathy bla bla bla… ba3dain bla oo bla bla bla 7ikooma bla nas bla……… etc..
Mom: *nods* and changes the subject asking his name* shesmek?
Flan Al Flani: N Al Flani
Mom: ee wene3m…
MY AUNT COMES UP AND MY MOM TELLS HER HIS NAME AND THEY START TO TALK… HE INSITIS TO PAY THE CHECK BUT MY MOTHER REFUSES, SO AFTER A WHILE HE LEAVES.
My mom couldn’t stop laughing at him! Her theory: He thought it was you who had your Bluetooth open because your phone was in your hand the whole time.
My mom and aunt still tease me and say “hii” every time they see me…
Creeps!


Anyway, senior year is coming up. I’m still recovering from junior year! I know shda3wa! Seriously, it been a bad year, nothing has been going right but what am I going to do about it? I’ve tried to fix it but it won’t get fixed, hoping 2011 will be better.
What else? What else….
I haven’t been sleeping as much I did before, which is good… but I just wish I could keep this up when school starts, it seems like school makes me depressed so I sleep…
Rmithan is coming up in twenty something days, I don’t know how I feel about that though…
Pilates, I feel bad; I should be going to my classes, but I’m not, I will on Sunday though! Im going to force myself:D
I miss all my friends!
Me and R reunited! I’m so happy to see her “bretty” face!
I’ve been joking and laughin a lot the past few days, is it a cover up for how I feel deep down inside? Or am I just doing it because I really feel like it? Mmmm… only I’ll know.
Okay, bas bye!:D

So I was going through one of my favorite websites, Jezebel, where I stumbled on a bizarre article “Paranoid Dude Seeks Lady to Spy on His Potential Fiancée”. The following quote is what a total weirdo wrote…

“There will be a speed dating event, and I am worried my soon to be fiancée will be attending. I'm not the jealous type that normally does this, but since I'm about to take a big step of giving her a ring, I need to make sure. Your job will simply be to stand in front of this restaurant and look for her arrival. That's it. IF you can get inside and get a snapshot of her in the act of "speed dating" I would pay an extra $50.
Offering $85 for this because it should not take you more than 1 hour. The location and time will be disclosed to you.”

SERIOUSLY!!!! What the hell is wrong with him? You wouldn’t marry her unless you trusted her, and obviously YOU DON’T. Men can’t live with them… can’t live without them.


***NOTE: NOT ALL MEN ARE TOTALLY APPALING IN MY EYES!! It’s just that some astonish me… its normal, don’t judge me!

Why Is Our Culture So Weird?

Dear whoever is out there?

As a kid growing up, I thought my life would be perfect. No problems, having everything taken care for me by my family, constantly pampered and cared for, and lastly and most importantly, finding that moving on from a problem is… well, easy.

Seventeen. The perfect age in my opinion. Well not perfect, just pleasant. I mean, I don’t have the responsibilities my elder brothers and sisters have nor am I ignored because I’m still “too young”. Why is it that just by sharing a few of my ideas, people drift apart? Why is it that just because I like to think in my own way that doesn’t meet the expectations of others I should be treated harshly? Why? Why? WHY? My why and what’s could go on forever, but I’m sure I won’t get any answers.

Reading the book, Girls of Riyadh has opened many doors from me (ALMOST DONE!) I’ve come to see gender roles in a culture very similar to mine. I’ve come to understand that not all relationships between men and woman is in the end good for each side; although, I would argue that there are a few exceptions. In our society, when two people bond or “click”, people misinterpret that into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, when in fact it is just an innocent interaction between two people. Those two may or may not be interested in each other and that doesn’t really matter. What matters is that they learn to interact innocently and appropriately in front of everyone without any secrets from the “people”. Another thing, really, who’s watching? People are too engaged with their own lives to even care about what you’re doing- unless you give them something to talk about. If two people engage in an innocent conversation, people (if anyone is watching) have nothing to say to that because it’s the 21st century. I mean, why is it so wrong for two people to talk? Can’t a man and a woman JUST be friends? Does everything have to be so complicated? I honestly don’t know. This is part of what the book disagrees about. It talks about how two people may only want to be friends but it suddenly turns into more or less depending on what people say. In one of the chapters, AlSanea talks about how people should just be! They shouldn’t care about what others say unless they know that they’re doing something wrong.

Going to a school where I have no choice but to interact with the boys around me, I have come to set boundaries with many, maybe even most of them. I really only feel comfortable with some, and I like it that way. Does that mean I go all crazy and talk to them every second of every day? No. Does that mean I get interested in them and want more? No. All I do is interacting with the people I feel I can learn from. I might not be aware of what it is I am learning, but I do believe that interaction- appropriate interaction with the opposite gender is crucial for a person who likes to stay open-minded to a certain extent. I’m not saying that it’s always a good thing, because it’s not; but if I set boundaries with guys, I will surely be happy with the results. No man will ever think of me in the wrong way, nor will be even try to. In the book though, it is slightly different, they go to an all girl’s school, but sneak around behind their family’s backs to meet men and to have inappropriate relationships, which is wrong.

Seriously, I have nothing more to say… BUT, a great book!!!

Neglected & in Awe

It’s late at night or early in the morning- whatever you prefer- and I’m hooked on this book! Girls of Riyadh! After starting to read this book last night and reaching chapter 16 until I dozed off into LaLa Land and blogging all night about the issues that have arisen to myself, I have really come to understand the concerns of most married women. Again, you might be thinking to yourself that I’m too young to be thinking in such a way, but get this- I don’t care. It never hurt anyone to understand matters that may or may not be appropriate for their age. For example marriage to a teenager, politics to a youngster and even visa versa- having an older person enjoying a child’s book or TV Show.

UPDATE! Gamrah is pregnant and confronts her husband, soon to be ex, about his Japanese Mistress. He abuses her, you know with all the slapping (yes, just like what we see in those horrible dramas we watch in Ramadan) and once she tells him she’s pregnant he tells her to go back to Riyadh and let him “be” in Chicago where he will unite with his Mistress.

***My thoughts: WHAT A JERK! Your wife tells you she’s pregnant with your first baby, you slap her, tell her she’s wrong for confronting him and that ‘lady’ –if she deserves to be called one- and neglect her, leaving her nowhere to go but her native soil. How impolite. ***

When Gamrah goes home, back to Riyadh carrying this poor child in her stomach, she tells her mother about the misfortunes that have recently occurred since her last phone call, she goes on explaining, cursing and displaying her anger towards Rashid, that ill mannered son of Adam. Her mother re-assures her that everything will be okay since having a child will guarantee that their marriage would go on even though not to full success. Three weeks pass by and Gamrah, poor Gamoorah as they like to call her, gets divorce papers from that Rashid that small minded dimwitted man.

***My thoughts: So Rashid, your wife is carrying your baby huh? Instead of pampering her and showing her full care and attention, you send her back. Okay fine. You say that she needs to be with her family because you are TOO busy with you studies and that this arrangement would just be temporarily. How nice of you…? Then, to Gamrah’s surprise she’s a divorced woman- a neglected woman- a woman carrying a baby that she does not want, but had for your sake?! Poor Gamrah. You should be ashamed Rashid. ASHAMED! ***

Through the dark days and nights, Gamrah lives in her room, crying. When she leaves her room, she is surrounded by her family who surely make her tired, as they push her to the limit making her hate her own existence. Gamrah is forbidden to leave the house, as it is not a good sight on the public seeing a freshly divorced woman out and about.

“Is divorce a major crime committed by the woman only? Why doesn’t our society harass the divorced man the way it crushes the divorced woman?” (AlSanea 185)

*** In my opinion, people are too preoccupied with what people will think of them if they wear their hair in a certain style, go out wearing an odd fashion or even going out after just being divorced. Not everyone knows who you are, you know? How am I going to know every detail of everyone’s life by just looking at them? So this is what’s going to happen? I’m going to walk into a mall and all fingers will be pointed at me saying that I’ve just been divorced by a man that has divorced me for his own sick problems? And that I’m carrying an unwanted baby in me? (Btw, inshalah matarfis ilni3ma chithe) for all they know, just by looking at me, I’m in my twenties carrying a baby and I’m still married. If people weren’t so preoccupied with what people do or even say, I think they would reach their goal in life, their faraway goal, finding true happiness. The happiness from within, not the happiness a few credit cards provide. Am I really getting what I want from life? Gossip, fear and emotional instability? I don’t want that, but that’s what I’ve got if I give in to all that rubbish people will always want to say about me.

Being the young lady I am, I will always have haters. I might seem like every other girl, the type that loves gossip, eavesdropping and maybe even a troublemaking, but I really am not. If I’ve learned anything in the past couple of years it’s that I shouldn’t care about what people say… but what I’ve recently, a couple of months ago discovered is that this population of aspirant Gossip-Girls living in our cultural and Islamic, world find it a sign of weakness when they attack their “prey” with words of hate and we say nothing in return but walk away. They feel a sense of fortunate victory when nothing is said back as they feel like they have achieved world peace and looked ‘good’ in front of everyone. Little do these pathetic small minded girls know, is that when their so-called “preys” ignore their ill mannered comments and spiteful words that they really don’t care. Since these girls are stupid enough to think that they are better than us, we have to talk back, using our classy words and unadulterated mouth to make THEM look BAD and to make them cause World War 3 in their own backyard.

It’s MY life, I’m going to do stuff MY way. If I want to give in to the gossip I will, but since I was brought up differently, brought up to be a leader rather than a sorry follower, I won’t. I think I’m smart enough to keep my head held high and leave those sick girls to backstab each other and make one another look bad. ***

Il7imdilah 3ala kil 7al (:

People get what they deserve in this life that is filled with its marvelous challenges.

العين لا تعلو على الحاجب ;)

No Promises

Talking to R again about my previous post, which she loved btw ;)

Anyway, so we were talking about marriage, the dream guy and the package that comes with growing up, you know responsibilities and what-not. As things were getting a “leetle sbicey up in here” lol, I realized that I don’t know what I want in the future. Now you may be thinking, isn’t she just 17? Shouldn’t she be thinking about shopping, crushing, TV, friends and fun activities? Well, no!

So, R was telling me how a good heart comes from a clean slate- how do we know if he has a clean slate? So for example, a guy comes up to me and asks me to marry him (R, let’s hope you believe me when it happens this time and that it’s not just a prank I pull on you for the 3rd time), living in Kuwait I have a reputation to think about, and I need to get married the right way for people to see me as the “good girl” I am. This is where R steps in and says: Why do all good girls fall for bad guys? So Mr. X isn’t that good-looking and doesn’t have a decent personality, but all the good girls fall for him and worship his every step; but I guess they like him because he’s bad news.

What I think, sometimes, not always, good girls will always be attracted to bad boys maybe with a few exceptions here and there. So I asked my dearest R, what if you were to fall for a bad boy being the good girl you are? Her reply: I have a lot of rules.


Her lovely rules (p.s. I TOTALLY AGREE!!!):
*** copied from bbm as seen ***
1. He has to be well-mannered and respectful.
2. A total gentleman.
3. Unafraid to share how he feels deep inside.
4. Able to see the real beauty behind everything and not superficially.
5. Should have a pure heart with good intentions in life.
6. Should have a good record and rep.
7. Should have a sense of humor.
8. A deep guy, who’s understanding, sympathetic and caring.
9. A guy who has the same interests as me, but has to be daring and adventurous.
10. Looks!!!!!!!! He has to be good-looking.
Above is my impossible list!

R, I agree. You asked me about my dream guy, I don’t know anymore… well of course I’d like all of the above, but didn’t we set the bar up waaaaaay too high? It’s like what I said about that movie-love life. It doesn’t exist in our world, especially the Islamic world. We come from backgrounds were arranged marriages and secret lives take place and I think that what we see in guys in the movies are fake. I don’t think my dream guy exists anymore, I’ve set my bar too high and now I’m stuck, I can’t think less of what I’ve set nor can I bring it down.

You think you’ll never meet a decent guy who meets your standards and how all guys these days are inappropriate and have zero respect for girls. Though I do agree upon some level, I have the urge to disagree and I don’t know why! Maybe it’s that fairytale love life I’m dreaming of? *This is where you snap at me and tell me to come back to reality reminding me of what I’ve previously said, you know, bring my head out of the clouds.

You made me laugh when you couldn’t remember the quote in Arabic that explained that “someone good will end up with someone good”. I disagree, though there are few exceptions, I do not think that it’s true. Let’s say I’m good, which I hope you people think I am and I marry a druggie or an abuser (la sama7 Allah) does that quote relate to me? I mean sometimes I think to myself, is it worth getting married? How am I going to know if he’s the one? Is that feeling in my gut enough? Is 9alat ‘ilistikharah’ enough? What if I need more? I don’t want to get myself into something I’m not sure of; after all, I’d like to get married only once. Then, you know me, I see a baby and I get butterflies in my stomach, then think of the responsibilities that come along with the possible beautiful mess?

You feel the same way R, re-thinking marriage a million times about that “dream guy” if he exists, but it’s a way of life and you want to experience married life and whatnot. I remind you about the responsibility and the emotional package and change that comes with the new life, but being the great friend you are, you remind me that you can’t go through life without responsibilities. (I can always count on you to bring my head down and think like a civilized person!)

Do you think marriage is a test? A life test?

You surely think marriage is one of life’s challenges… Life in general is a test.

Well R, I know it is… but why? I mean how is marriage testing us?

You say: you come across love at a certain point during your life, it’s considered a challenge. Think of it as an actual test that you take in school (nice R ;) I like your thinking girl)… A test is made up of many challenging material and questions. Marriage and love are the challenging things that you need to face in life. Marriage tests out patience and passion towards a stranger that you’ve never lived with before.
Wow R, you’re really catching my attention and I totally agree… but in our society, most women are forced to marry a man the father usually chooses, but since it’s the 21st century, I think women are marrying the men they choose and love. We would both have elongated engagements to get to know the men were preparing ourselves to marry, but people gossip don’t they? Saying how a long ‘khi6ba’ in other words engagement is ‘3aib’ – inappropriate culturally.

After getting married both sides do go through a lot of changes, but is it possible for a man to change his character? I mean, plaster on a fake personality during the engagement and once the wedding/honeymoon phase has run out he reveals his true identity, a man with flaws, bad ones.

You think that he’ll change- temporarily, but once he’s bored of showing off his muscles he’ll probably go back to his old ways… it is important to remember that you can’t change a person, they might change but they might not… it depends on how you treat the man. If you talk to the guy about his flaws, he’ll probably attempt to change his ways if he’s not completely mentally retarded.

I AGREE SISTAH! Haha! 

Sometimes, he could get a little out of hand, don’t you think? If you approach him with a flaw about him and ask him to change his ways, he could take it the wrong way and attack you with his words or actions, couldn’t he? Would the man sometimes go against your will (yes women have wills too not only men)?
R: yeah that’s the guy’s nature… he’d defend himself because in a guy’s mind, he depicts himself as a flawless piece of work, when in reality, he’s a flawed piece of “work”.

Wow R, some anger there? I like how you think, but see? I do believe deep down that some small percentage of men are truly sane, I hope our future “dream men” are.

Btw, I love our late-night chats about everything… *hugs*